Escapism and Reality

For twenty years I have had a view of pastures, trees and sky out both my front and back windows, views for which I have often (but not nearly often enough) given thanks. The sky and the fields ... they are a redeeming grace that I never take for granted. That I have sheep and ducks and chickens and guineas on these pastures, simple animals who live simply as animals have always lived ... is a miracle to me. These animals know nothing of stress. They are innocent, interested and interesting, humble, unassuming. (Well, maybe not unassuming, they assume a lot about what's in the buckets I carry!) But they reduce me to an uncommon denominator, one not complex and worry laden, but elemental, one that includes only the air moving the grasses, liquid eyes, sweet breath, food, water, trust, the basic fundamentals of life.

I am so blessed.

On Friday of this week my mother-in-law will have to go back before the clerk of Superior Court for a "competency" hearing. Is she competent? No. And it is humiliating to her, and demeaning, to have to go through this, this ... what do I call it? An ordeal. An ugly, twisted mess of misunderstanding, conjecture, unfounded suspicion and more.

My escapism has mounted extreme heights this week, lol. I've moved beyond sheep breath to the harder stuff.

For one thing, I've been on a cleaning binge. I used to do this in the early years of our marriage, as a coping mechanism for both anger and stress. I've mellowed as the years have gone by, (and my house shows it, lol!) I've cleaned to the point this week that I've reached my cabinets (see my earlier post where I lined one with fabric!).

Another escape has been a series of John Wayne movies that were recorded from AMC a couple of weeks ago. I've been immersed in them. They are just my speed ... full of animals and life from simpler times, and the good guys always win. Tonight we watched The Dark Command, which was the earliest John Wayne movie I have ever seen. As the plot unfolded, there were instances of misunderstanding, deceit, and intrigue that just POPPED out at me as if I'd been given a filter with which to see them, the filter being all that we've been enduring in real life. The twists and turns of the movie's plot seemed more than just plausable (which is all fiction requires) ... they were POSSIBLE, they held the potential to be real, genuinely real, and I saw this solely because we've been living something similar. I hope I'm making sense here, and if you don't understand what I'm trying to say, it's OK ... I hope you never do!

Ned says that people do what they do based upon their presuppositions ... what they deep down believe is true ... and that circumstances brings their beliefs to light. This is SO TRUE!!!

When someone believes they've been deprived of something that was their right, they believe themselves justified in doing whatever is necessary to get what they want, moral or immoral, legal or not. If you think you are better than other people, this belief will govern your behavior. Thankfully, this doesn't always function negatively. When you love another person, your behavior will be sacrificial towards him, you will honor him with your words and your actions. The person who values kindness will be kind. He who values generosity will be generous. The one to whom truth matters is honest.

I value truth, kindness, simplicity, peace. I avoid confrontation, but I am finding, not (as I once would have said) at all costs. No one detests and abhors confrontation more than I do, but I am have found the ground upon which I will stand. I will not abandon my mother-in-law or my husband in their time of need. I would rather take a beating than go to court on Friday, but I am going. I will go praying, with my head held high and peace in my heart, for I my prayer is simply that the Lord's will be done, and I trust in His plan and His purposes even when they bewilder me. I also pray my husband will keep his temper, not get sick, be eloquent and vindicated. And I pray a legion of angels will surround my mother in law and protect her and provide for HER needs.

How thankful I am for truth:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

and
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

I spent much of Sunday ...

watching these guys (or girls?!) hatch ....

How to Spend a Saturday

I get to where I just wander from project to project.

I woke up this morning, made a pot of coffee, and had every intention of sitting down and writing in my journal, which I've forgotten once or twice over Christmas. But I sat down at the computer to check my email and somehow found myself deciding, instead, to write Sally a letter the old-fashioned way, by hand. However, I didn't have any stationary that suited me, so the next I knew, I was making snowflake stationary in Photoshop. (It's very pretty!) And from there I decided to take photographs of my dirty and cluttered house, so I could send them with the letter I was going to write to Sally so she would know how much I loved her since I was going to write to her instead of clean my house. Somehow, after taking the photographs, I became determined to clean first and write later, so I started in on the living room, and swept the floors, and then got a bucket of hot water and cleaner and cleaned the dusty wood stove since it was warm enough today to not be using it. And then I cleaned the hearth, and vacuumed the rugs. Next, I came into the kitchen, started cleaning that and noticed how jumbled and topsy turvy my appliance cabinet had become. The next thing I knew, I'd taken all of the stuff out of it and sprayed and wiped it clean, too. Then I thought about what a shame it is that I didn't have any shelf paper to line it with ... I've always meant to do that. And I remembered how much extra fabric I have, and so I got to measuring and cutting and stitching on the sewing machine and now that it's almost midnight, I've got a really nice cabinet all sorted out with orderly appliances and fabric velcroed to the floor of the cabinet and to the shelf BUT ... I haven't even started my letter to Sally on my nice new pretty stationary! ARRGHHH!

Does this happen to you, too? Or is it just me?

My Woe is Me Story

As is the case with many in America at this time, my family has been going through some trying times. I read on a news website recently that one in ten home owners is currently in foreclosure. Thankfully, we are not at that point, but we have had some tough times financially of late. We have been self-employed for twenty some years with a small, full service photography and portrait studio. And while some people might value a family portrait more than they might items purchased from a department store, it still boils down to the fact that our necessary income is dependent upon other people's discretionary income. And that can be scary. We have debts. And obligations. And needs.

A year ago we listed forty acres of our farm for sale with the hopes of largely paying out of debt. After almost a year on the market, we have not received a single offer. The year is drawing to a close, and we are faced with paying a large end of the year interest payment, which is considerably more money than we have in the bank at this time. Ned has been scouting around for what he might sell to raise the money ... looking at the four wheelers the kids no longer ride, a tractor that he is loath to part with but which he could sell, etc. Christmas is upon us and business is way down in our studio.

It's frightening. As a Christian, I walk by faith and not by sight. But I want to walk by sight right now! I want to know where the money to pay next month's bills is coming from! I want to know that I will be able to continue my small hobby of dog obedience training, which gives me so much delight. I train and show competitively ... the competition is the independent confirmation of one's progress, and competitions cost money ... not a lot, but they are an expense.

The Bible teaches us in Matthew 6 "....O you of little faith ... do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear'? For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble." Matthew 6:30b-34

Also, Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

I know the truth of these scriptures. But that did not stop me from having an absolute meltdown last Thursday. Perhaps it was PMS. Or perhaps, as a friend suggested, it was "the change" ... as a fifty year old woman, it's hard to tell sometimes ... I've never had a hot flash but sometimes I feel PMSy for "no reason" . This was definitely one of those times. The problems of recent weeks and months ... everything from my distress over the nation's elections, the economy, our personal economic concerns, plus a couple of family situations ... one distressingly sordid and divisive one in Ned's family and another concerning the health of my mother, who has cancer, problems in our church ... (see what I mean? I'll bet YOU'RE depressed already!) ... it all added up on me and then seemed larger than life. One of my favorite scriptures has always been Psalm 127:2 "It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for he gives to his beloved sleep." I generally sleep well and never have bad dreams. But the constant stress I've been feeling had me waking in the night, unable to go back to sleep, and when I did sleep, dreaming complicated, problem fraught dreams that had me, even in sleep, trying to constantly fix things, and make solutions happen. I've been waking with headaches.

By that night, I had reached the point of feeling depressed, paralyzed. I did not know what to do but it seemed urgent that I solve the problems of the world immediately! Doom was imminent, woe was me! I had tried to "explain" how I felt to Ned until he ran out of words with which to reassure me that God was still in control. Unfortunately, sometimes when I don't feel "heard" I will escalate my attempts, and I'd reached the point where I was reaching out into the future, and having to choose between putting my beloved dogs to sleep, or giving them to someone who could afford to feed them. Now that's a pity party! It wasn't pretty. John, my youngest, had realized Mom was really upset, and so I'd retreated to my bathroom where I found myself sitting on the floor (in the dark, mind you, because to turn on the light would cost money), crying. It was around nine forty five or ten o'clock at night.

Ned opens the door, comes in, sits on the floor with me in the dark, holds my hands and prays. He prayed such a beautiful prayer that was so much larger than all of my worst imaginings. He appealed to the Lord for me on my behalf. And then he hugged me, one of those wonderful comfort hugs that carry all the unspoken weight of twenty-five years of being together. And I felt a better. A LOT better. Willing to consider that the world might not end, after all. Wonder of wonders!

The next morning, Ned's cell phone, which he had left on my computer keyboard, rang, and I answered it. It was the Realtor with whom our land is listed. I assumed she wanted to talk with him about renewing our contract as it's been about a year since the land was listed. He was just finishing up shaving, and I took him the phone. A few minutes later he came out of the bathroom with a curious expression on his face. It seems a real estate broker just happened to be driving by last night and saw the For Sale sign, and called the Realtor at home to ask her if we would accept a certain amount per acre lower than the listed price, and if we would deed in access to the county road that has county water available on it. The time when he made the call? Ten o'clock PM. Right when we were sitting together in the dark, praying.

I find that to be absolutely remarkable. I don't believe in coincidences. I have no idea whether or not this will turn into a "real" offer that will miraculously solve all of our financial problems or not (probably not, although it's possible) but what I got out of it was that the Lord was reaching out to say, "Hang in there. I have not forgotten you. I hear your prayers. Everything is going to be OK. I have made a way for you. Trust me." It was reassurance. It was encouragement. It was blessing.

The icing on the cake was to take my dog the morning after that to one of the dog shows I'd been wondering if I could afford, where I won first place in both of the classes I'd entered, both large classes with many other competitors. I was within a point of the coveted High in Trial award. It was as if God was saying, "Hey, and by the way, you can have desire that I put in your heart, too, I didn't give it to you to snatch it away."

Lord help me in my unbelief! Tomorrow is another day. I will roll out of bed, face the day. look forward with hope, and pray with the expectation of a child who knows her Father can fix all that is wrong and fill all of her dreams.

Important to Know

I received some important information today via a short video that was emailed to me. I honestly do not understand how I managed to get through almost fifty years of life without this important "how to" tip. Watch it, and be enlightened!

High in Trial!!!

I am pinching myself! Today Acey and I went to the UKC obedience trial in Durham, and ... we won High in Trial from the Novice B class! I am just dumbfounded! I never, ever, even once gave a single THOUGHT to winning that honor! I am so happy!

Before and After

Glamour Rachel and Jake

Remember the black and white photograph I posted a couple of days ago of Rachel and Jake? Here is the same photo after being first altered in Portrait Professionals (highlighting added to Rachel's tips at her request.) :) Below is the same photograph, in color, giving Rachel a different eye color. Now I know why the models in magazines always look more perfect than life ... they've had just a wee bit of help!

New Software

Ned showed me a neat retouching software. Check out the differences in Rachel from the first photo, which is the original, and the second, which is retouched.

What I Did Today

100 pounds of Roma tomatoes.
50 pounds washed, cooked, cooled and drained.
25 pounds diced with mild chili peppers.
25 pounds diced plain, in the fridge, awaiting canning.
In boxes: the other 50 pounds.

As Annie sang,
"Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow ...."

Just Foolin' Around ....

Three Day Vacation

I have no idea why I named this blog Kinda Laid Back. Boy, is that a misnomer! Revved Up Fast would be more like it. My life is anything but laid back. Alas. Perhaps it was hopeful thinking?

After being bitten, rather badly, and for the first time in my life, a week ago, by a dog I was boarding (don't worry, he wasn't attacking me, I just idiotically got in the midst of a disgruntled discussion he was having with another dog) I was able to go away for a long weekend with the LOML (love of my life, my husband, Ned). We pretty much picked a place at random that sounded quiet and headed for the Southport, Oak Island area. We were so blessed in that choice! It felt as if we had stepped back into time thirty or forty years to a beach area that is NOT over commercialized, over croweded, or over touristed. It looks remarkably untouched by time. We dined the night before last at a seafood restaurant called Jones Seafood Family Owned and Operated since 1964 ... and as we sat there eating an excellent dinner, I looked around and realized that truly, there was nothing at all present in the room, the furnishings and decor, the waitresses' attire, the customers' attire, the dishes, etc. that dated the place. It was lost in the decades. It was like that everywhere. Few beachy franchises. Few new buildings ... small gift shops, fudge and ice cream stores and the like filled buildings previously devoted to other uses. It was at once delightfully shabby and incredibly family friendly and relaxed. You got the feeling people came there to spend time with one another, not to score on the action. So it was restful. Chilling. You felt the need to keep up, optimize, and screen out all falling away. It was just what a vacation was supposed to be, and we cannot wait to go back again.

Three Interested Aussies

want to know what all that PEEPING is about Twelve hatched so far ....

First Six Chicks and One in the Oven!

Chicks Hatching

Not the best of photos, because the camera focuses on the cover of the incubator rather than on what's inside, but these are the first two chicks to hatch. They are so cute!! They keep balancing on top of the other eggs and looking up at me as if to say they want out of their bubble! I'm off to Tractor Supply for some chick food in a bit, and will post more photos later.

My eggs ...

ARE STARTING TO HATCH!!!!

Photos tomorrow .....

How come ...

the hard times in life make such good reading in fiction, but are so NOT fun to live through in real life? If only we could take the approach that the hard times in our own lives are just when the story is "getting good"? LOL!!

I have this devotional that my friend Jennifer gave to me that I just love. It is called Jesus Calling, and is written by Sarah Young, who attended the same seminary as my pastor. (http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Calling-Seeking-Peace-Presence/dp/1591451884/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216782866&sr=8-1 is the link.) Anyway, it has helped me grow in trusting the Lord with the hard times in my life like no other resource ever has. It focuses me.

I'm reading a fictional western right now called The Time It Never Rained by Elmer Kelton, who is just an exceptional western writer. I honestly believe he is a more skilled, more multi-dimensional author of the western scene than Louis L'amour ever was, and I am a great L'amour fan. This particular book is set in Texas during the 1950s as a seemingly unending drought takes place. (Having just lived through a genuine drought last summer, I can relate!) The "hard times" the protagonist goes through make for good reading. But my own "hard times" are miserable when they occur, and while they do drive me closer to the Lord, I cannot wait for them to pass.

I think about heaven a LOT. Fantasize about what a life without sin will be like. Look FORWARD to the time when that last door, last task of life will be the portal to eternity, to wonders unimagined, to finally, perfected vision.

Heaven by Randy Alcorn, (http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Randy-Alcorn/dp/0842379428/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216783432&sr=1-1) while a bit verbose, is an excellent book for anyone who shares my preoccupation with heaven, to read.

Rachel's Honors Solo

I am in a hurry, but wanted to post this link: http://www.music.appstate.edu/real.html. If you have Realplayer on your computer, (available free, download) you can listen to Rachel's honor's solo tonight! The concert starts at 7:00 and will be streaming live over the Internet. This part you will have to imagine ... a darkened auditorium, Rachel in a black evening dress, alone with her French horn on the stage but for her accompanist on a grand piano! If I have breath to take me there, I will be present.

Of course, being Rachel, there is some concern that her playing hand is blue. She was helping a suite mate dye her "tips" the other night, and there were no gloves packaged with the dye, so she just used her hand and guess what ... two days later, it is still blue!

Enjoy, if you can ....

Lily

Well, after accidentally deleting (permanently, no less), my blogs, I am starting anew. Photo here is of Lily, who, though she lived but two days, seemed worthy of remembrance. She was one of twins, but was rejected by her mother, and all of our efforts to save her were unsuccessful. It can be hard being a shepherd ... very humbling. My Shepherd NEVER fails me!