My Woe is Me Story

As is the case with many in America at this time, my family has been going through some trying times. I read on a news website recently that one in ten home owners is currently in foreclosure. Thankfully, we are not at that point, but we have had some tough times financially of late. We have been self-employed for twenty some years with a small, full service photography and portrait studio. And while some people might value a family portrait more than they might items purchased from a department store, it still boils down to the fact that our necessary income is dependent upon other people's discretionary income. And that can be scary. We have debts. And obligations. And needs.

A year ago we listed forty acres of our farm for sale with the hopes of largely paying out of debt. After almost a year on the market, we have not received a single offer. The year is drawing to a close, and we are faced with paying a large end of the year interest payment, which is considerably more money than we have in the bank at this time. Ned has been scouting around for what he might sell to raise the money ... looking at the four wheelers the kids no longer ride, a tractor that he is loath to part with but which he could sell, etc. Christmas is upon us and business is way down in our studio.

It's frightening. As a Christian, I walk by faith and not by sight. But I want to walk by sight right now! I want to know where the money to pay next month's bills is coming from! I want to know that I will be able to continue my small hobby of dog obedience training, which gives me so much delight. I train and show competitively ... the competition is the independent confirmation of one's progress, and competitions cost money ... not a lot, but they are an expense.

The Bible teaches us in Matthew 6 "....O you of little faith ... do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear'? For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble." Matthew 6:30b-34

Also, Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

I know the truth of these scriptures. But that did not stop me from having an absolute meltdown last Thursday. Perhaps it was PMS. Or perhaps, as a friend suggested, it was "the change" ... as a fifty year old woman, it's hard to tell sometimes ... I've never had a hot flash but sometimes I feel PMSy for "no reason" . This was definitely one of those times. The problems of recent weeks and months ... everything from my distress over the nation's elections, the economy, our personal economic concerns, plus a couple of family situations ... one distressingly sordid and divisive one in Ned's family and another concerning the health of my mother, who has cancer, problems in our church ... (see what I mean? I'll bet YOU'RE depressed already!) ... it all added up on me and then seemed larger than life. One of my favorite scriptures has always been Psalm 127:2 "It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for he gives to his beloved sleep." I generally sleep well and never have bad dreams. But the constant stress I've been feeling had me waking in the night, unable to go back to sleep, and when I did sleep, dreaming complicated, problem fraught dreams that had me, even in sleep, trying to constantly fix things, and make solutions happen. I've been waking with headaches.

By that night, I had reached the point of feeling depressed, paralyzed. I did not know what to do but it seemed urgent that I solve the problems of the world immediately! Doom was imminent, woe was me! I had tried to "explain" how I felt to Ned until he ran out of words with which to reassure me that God was still in control. Unfortunately, sometimes when I don't feel "heard" I will escalate my attempts, and I'd reached the point where I was reaching out into the future, and having to choose between putting my beloved dogs to sleep, or giving them to someone who could afford to feed them. Now that's a pity party! It wasn't pretty. John, my youngest, had realized Mom was really upset, and so I'd retreated to my bathroom where I found myself sitting on the floor (in the dark, mind you, because to turn on the light would cost money), crying. It was around nine forty five or ten o'clock at night.

Ned opens the door, comes in, sits on the floor with me in the dark, holds my hands and prays. He prayed such a beautiful prayer that was so much larger than all of my worst imaginings. He appealed to the Lord for me on my behalf. And then he hugged me, one of those wonderful comfort hugs that carry all the unspoken weight of twenty-five years of being together. And I felt a better. A LOT better. Willing to consider that the world might not end, after all. Wonder of wonders!

The next morning, Ned's cell phone, which he had left on my computer keyboard, rang, and I answered it. It was the Realtor with whom our land is listed. I assumed she wanted to talk with him about renewing our contract as it's been about a year since the land was listed. He was just finishing up shaving, and I took him the phone. A few minutes later he came out of the bathroom with a curious expression on his face. It seems a real estate broker just happened to be driving by last night and saw the For Sale sign, and called the Realtor at home to ask her if we would accept a certain amount per acre lower than the listed price, and if we would deed in access to the county road that has county water available on it. The time when he made the call? Ten o'clock PM. Right when we were sitting together in the dark, praying.

I find that to be absolutely remarkable. I don't believe in coincidences. I have no idea whether or not this will turn into a "real" offer that will miraculously solve all of our financial problems or not (probably not, although it's possible) but what I got out of it was that the Lord was reaching out to say, "Hang in there. I have not forgotten you. I hear your prayers. Everything is going to be OK. I have made a way for you. Trust me." It was reassurance. It was encouragement. It was blessing.

The icing on the cake was to take my dog the morning after that to one of the dog shows I'd been wondering if I could afford, where I won first place in both of the classes I'd entered, both large classes with many other competitors. I was within a point of the coveted High in Trial award. It was as if God was saying, "Hey, and by the way, you can have desire that I put in your heart, too, I didn't give it to you to snatch it away."

Lord help me in my unbelief! Tomorrow is another day. I will roll out of bed, face the day. look forward with hope, and pray with the expectation of a child who knows her Father can fix all that is wrong and fill all of her dreams.